Mind dump

Jan. 25th, 2010 05:45 pm
caramelsilver: (Pretty in Pink: Steff "Bitch")
* I am seriously struggling. I am like an emotional jojo: one day everything looks bright and I'm determined to turn my life around, and the next day I can barely get myself out of bed. What the fuck is wrong with me?

* In much cheerier news: [livejournal.com profile] grim_lupine wrote the most awesome Edlyn (girl!Edmund) ficlet for me. And it's awesome and you should go read it: There are things of which they do not speak.

* A random thought: I saw Sweeney Todd again and am I the only one who watches that movie and think: "Anthony and Johanna will never last!"? Because dude! She's a girl who just wanted to get away from her perverted guardian and he fell in love with a girl in a window! There's no fucking way that relationship is going to work!

* I swear a lot. Like... pretty bad actually. I mostly only swear in english, which makes it not so bad to the people around me... but lately I'm actually saying: Motherfuckingcocksuckingpieceofshit out loud. I used to only say it loudly in my head, but now I actually say it out loud and I've realised that that is not actually a good thing... Yeah, I am so messed up and I can't seem to be able to do anything about it! GAAAHHH!

* Also: I think I am going to join the military when I'm done with school. I think it would be good for me. Get some discipline, follow orders, get in shape, get to know new people from around the country... Yeah, I think I'd like that.
caramelsilver: (insane)
Sometimes I just get in a funk. I wouldn't call it depression, (it probably is) but I just get this 'meh' feeling about everything. I don't feel like reading and I don't have the patience to watch an entire movie (I stop it half way because I keep yawning all the time.) The internet is still fun though. Thank God for that!

I have no interest in school though.

I've talked with my psychologist and she says that I have anxieties, which is very correct. I subconsciously invent sickness (headaches, stomach aches.) ,this month it was trouble eating, so I can avoid going to school.

So now we have decided to call a spade a spade. I've promised to say when I don't want to do something, instead of getting sick. And mum and dad has promised to listen and help me as much as they can.

I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of going to school. I'm afraid of not making friends (I don't have many and I really have trouble making new ones.) I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid of not succeeding. I'm afraid of everything! I'm afraid of growing up (responsibility scares me.) And most of all, (and this is really stupid one too!) I afraid of talking on the phone. This is a new discovery, but I've probably had it all my life. I just don't like talking on the phone, and I hate hate hate calling people, especially people I don't know. That's why I love emails so much. 

And I just don't fit in. I don't fit into this lifestyle all teenagers are living now. I have no problem with leaving my phone at home. (This easter we went skiing and I left my cell at home and when my brother found out he just looked at me and said:  "You FAIL at being a teenager." And I do!) I have no need for people to always be able to reach me.

It's funny really. When people ask you what your phobia is (and everyone has them) I always used to say that my biggest fear was snakes. (And I do hate snakes with a passion. I can't even watch them on tv. The ending of CoS still freak me out!) But it's not. Because compare how often I talk on the phone and is forced to call people and how often I a meet a snake... It's really a problem. Because in this day and age when the only way to be able to talk to anyone is by phone, well, not really a mystery on why I'm such a lonely person, now is there?
caramelsilver: (bitch please)
I'm feeling horribly, for many stupid things really:

1) I have problems sleeping at night. That do not help on my mood. If I don't sleep the whole night through then I'm sure to sleep half the day away. Not cool.

2) My computer is f**** again. I have to borrow my brother's pc. Even though his is better and newer, I really don't like it. It has so many weird buttons and stuff I don't understand. I want my computer back.

3) I can't get in on FIA or the forums! So I'm sitting here in the middle of the night totally bored.

4) I'm a bad friend. I don't comment on my f-list anymore, and I'm sorry!

I'm especially sorry to [livejournal.com profile] felis_felicis, she comments on all my post, and I almost never comment on hers. Well I have an apology: You see, every time I read your posts I always see that you already have like 18 comments and to be honest that freaks me out a little bit. Big crowds, not fan. So I'm really sorry!! But I always read all of your post.

I read all of my f-list, I just usually don't have anything to say.
caramelsilver: (you suck)
This week has been like hell. I have been having so much pain. My head, muscles and back are mean to me. I have slept almost the entire week, but it doesn't help. I think that when I spend a lot of time alone, (Which I've been this week) I get worse. My head hurts so much, I can't concentrate. And on top of that, I am soooo bored!!

On another note: Is it only me that don't get any e-mail alerts from ff.net?
caramelsilver: (you suck)
Life sucks! I can't sleep at night and the sleep you get in the day aren't as good as the eight hours at night. I'm really depressed, and I don't eat all that much either.

A whole lot of whining in norwegian, since I don't have the energy to translate! )

On an other note.... The snow is finally here. Lots and lots! But its really cold too. I am always freezing.
caramelsilver: (Default)
I read a fanfic that was pretty angsty, but not that much. Anyway I started to cry, and I cried and cried, until I realized that I wasn't crying because of the fanfic. I was crying for me. I guess I needed a good cry 'cause I felt so much better after wards!

I just read the most funniest list: The List of Things Draco Malfoy is not Allowed To Do Go read it, I literally choked on my soda!
caramelsilver: (you suck)
After being sick for two years straight, I have discovered that my sickness comes in waves. Sometimes I don't feel bad at all, like this summer f. eks. I were so optimistic then, hoping that it would soon be over and I could go to school every day!
So know I in a down wave, it has lasted for a week. My body hurts so much so I sleep all day, but then I can't sleep at night. This is the third night that I'm up. I'm starting to get quite depressed!
caramelsilver: (you suck)
This is a bad day, I have never had such a bad day in ages!! My head hurts, its pounding so bad I'm sure you could feel it if you touched my head. Not only do my head hurt, I have to wear sunglasses inside because the light are to strong for my head (and mind) to handle. Noise.. is a no,no! yeah, and it hurts to move, by the way!!!!
caramelsilver: (Default)
I had totally forgotten how it was to go to school, it really exhausting! I have only been to two classes and my head is hurting so bad. It feels like it exploded or something!!

To top it of; its really depressing to find out all the things that I've missed. All the homework I haven't done, and all the things I should have learned=(

I'm a little sad right now!


caramelsilver: (Default)

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