Erasure: The Difference Between being Alive and Dead

[caramelsilver]

Here is my erasure as a pinch hitter for erasureathon

Title: The Difference Between being Alive and Dead
Erased by: caramelsilver
Original text by: lizzie_marie_23 | The Three Goddesses
Fandom: Doctor Who

 

I.

 

Death.

A new reign begins

the old is gone.

a glorious age won by death of hundreds.

Death renews.

 

All the others died,

At least the part that was in the minds.

They died in the same breath

They would not come back

 

For the first time stepping out

It was a hit    

her only regret was that he died.

Hold his hand.

 

he was still a boy

It was an accident

playing soldiers he "shot him dead"

he heard a scream on the power lines.

 

move from safety gave him nothing but death.

 

dropped his gun

knew the truth

her presence.

 

death was very quiet

No one gathered

hoped he would survive

 

no dreams

 no Butterfly

  no fire

   no change

    no laugh

it was wrong

 

he would not be alone

from a future none of them would remember

hold his hand

 

time approached Death

             he was following orders

he pulled the trigger

             he deserved it

kill or be killed.

 

die in a flash of light and a shower of dust

 

Silence

Hollow

 

past danger

to tear the sky apart

 

he was

she was

a restless soul

 

to save death

stronger than Death.

 

peace welcomed with open arms

and she was kind.

But when her cold embrace turned her back

He was not welcome

back into the land of the living

 

II.

 

Pain is how we live

Without it, how would we know pleasure?

 

again and again

 

thus she be remembered

Pain, just another name for Fear

 

 

a soldier sent to hurt and follow orders

Unlike his station he had no love of causing pain

pretty and clean was kinder, merciful

 

leave alive

           so all that had been lost

                  learned that there

                               was nothing else.

 

 

She was always left behind.

it hurt to not know

time was hard

                         -hard

 

She could stand it all if it meant she could protect

when the grief became too much to bear

knowing he would never return

She had no one left to be a shoulder to cry on

 

It was excruciatingly painful          

                                               to remember what he was fighting for

 

Pain again

and the world went on

 

he knew what pain was

But he had no idea what it meant until

The shooting

Grew hot in his hands

 

a coward wanted to hurt people

It was too hot

 

a moan

he ripped his gun out

He had to choose between another's misery

He tried to mark him as dead

This is what it was to be alone.

 

When they found the little boy

They were only following orders

There was no cause of death

 

but they were all in pain

try to diminish Pain's Kingdom

and survivors only deal

 

It hurt to see suffering

Their pain

his pain

 

And tread the path at least once

He tried but didn't always succeed.

 

Sell them Pain

no evidence, no guilt

 

why did they hurt?

the rejoicing was slowly killing her

all those thousands

all those years of history

-         they explode

 

There was this man once.

Pain couldn't touch him

He could have his hand in the fire

It wasn't damaging him

he didn't even try to take it out

 

eventually He abandoned Pain to turn to Death

the difference between being alive and dead.

 

 

III.

 

Nothing can move in time

Each moment melt into each other

 

In the beginning, he was a thief and she was eternal

Lords since the very beginning.

They never existed to change

 

For years nothing happened

it were earlier

sleep for just a bit longer

feel the earth turn

 

people's timelines are mostly straightforward

The past, The future

the future held much more promise

 

They effectively stole his Past

wracked with guilt for things they made him do

Less often, he imagined scenes that didn't belong to him

 

Two years were supposed to be his.

So he stole Time

He stole money too,

After all, Time is Money

 

When Death comes, Time becomes unimportant

be dead for a minute

or a century

doesn't matter

 

Time returns absence and rebuilds.

She begins anew

Comments

[lizzie-marie-23.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Oh my god. That was amazing. It is so weird to see my own words used like that. I love how you turned it into a poem. And the words you used really keep the whole feel I was going for when I wrote the original.

I'm having trouble sorting my thoughts into coherent words, so I'll just put my favorite parts:
a glorious age won by death of hundreds.

For the first time stepping out
It was a hit
OMG! I love this so much!

move from safety gave him nothing but death.

pretty and clean was kinder, merciful

a coward wanted to hurt people...He tried to mark him as dead Ooh! wow!

the rejoicing was slowly killing her

Lords since the very beginning.
They never existed to change

Time returns absence and rebuilds.

PS: when did you get this lovely layout? it's so pretty

[caramelsilver.livejournal.com]

Oh, Gosh, how glad am I that you like it? SO HAPPY!! I was a bit nervous doing your fics erasure cause I love you and want you to be happy with what you got and... yeah, so happy!

I'm especially happy with the whole of III. But really, I'm just happy overall with it. This one tells a story, you can actually see it. And your fic was brilliant. And as you can see, I'm using a lot of your sentences instead of creating new ones.

I actually just changed my layout before I posted the erasure. I love it. It's so dreamy and pretty<3

Thanks for the lovely review darling. I checked my mail this morning before I started school and it's had me glowing all day<3<3

[zempasuchil.livejournal.com]

Ooooh, wow! I like the structure of this. The short stanzas pace it really well.

a glorious age won by death of hundreds.
Death renews.
The first line of this idea is super creepy, and the second is kind of hopeful - really striking combination.

he heard a scream on the power lines. - AWESOME

time approached Death
he was following orders
I like this personifying time, almost turning him into a character, which works so well. They are like accomplices, Time and Death, it seems.

to save death
stronger than Death.
but then he gets rejected back into the land of the living? So he wasn't stronger than death, he couldn't save death? it seems so tragic!

time was hard
-hard - there he is again! I really like Time's hardness. I feel like he is a protagonist of sorts, if not exactly a main character.

The shooting
Grew hot in his hands - what a strange wonderful description! it makes so much sense, like a gun hot in his hands, the motion and intensity too.

There was this man once.
Pain couldn't touch him
He could have his hand in the fire
It wasn't damaging him
he didn't even try to take it out

eventually He abandoned Pain to turn to Death
the difference between being alive and dead.
Is this the same guy from part I? Who left for the land of the living? I feel like I'm reading stories that intertwine around a focal point that is this guy, and I'm going to admit I didn't read the original fic because I just don't know Dr Who, but I'm getting a strong sense of a really character-centered narrative that you're creating and it's really really cool :D

I love how III opens so strongly. I could think about these lines for a long, long, long time:
Nothing can move in time
Each moment melt into each other

And then it ends so strongly too! COOL - circling back so!
When Death comes, Time becomes unimportant
be dead for a minute
or a century
doesn't matter

Time returns absence and rebuilds.
She begins anew
WOW. I just, I don't know what to say about this part - Wow. Again, time is sort of subservient to Death, but instead of being a servant he/she's unimportant. returns absence - so, so awesome. This erasure is really, really tight. I like it a *lot*.

[caramelsilver.livejournal.com]

Oooh! Let me just start off with how awesome your reviews are! It makes me sooooo happy. (And glowy with pride:P)

I was really, really happy with the result of this. Since I'd done it once before I now knew a little bit more on how to do it and I really like how it turned out.

This one really tells a story. I'm not a fan of making it fandom related, cause I think you should be able to read a poem and understand and enjoy it without needing to know anything. So I've kept all names out on purpose. But in the fic, you could say that Death, Pain and Time was characters. Thus they turned into characters (the stars) in my erasure.

Thank you so much for this review. It so makes my day. (I think the reviews I've gotten on my erasures makes me more happy than all the reviews I've gotten for my fics. DOn't know why, they just makes me so incredibly happy.) THANK YOU!!

[zempasuchil.livejournal.com]

From taking a class on erasure and spending a whole hour on twelve erased pages, I can't contemplate doing a short review of an erasure. They are all just so meaty and unlike some poems there is pretty much no mental filler. I just love and appreciate them all SO MUCH, hee.

Yeah, practice really helps you get a handle on how to approach a text without getting overwhelmed, and fine-tune the way you read to erase. I really like how this one turned out too :D and I can definitely recognize your poetic voice from your last erasure, too! eee, I'm glad erasure and my reviews make your day!