Complete With a Water Slide

* I am seriously struggling. I am like an emotional jojo: one day everything looks bright and I'm determined to turn my life around, and the next day I can barely get myself out of bed. What the fuck is wrong with me?

* In much cheerier news: grim_lupine wrote the most awesome Edlyn (girl!Edmund) ficlet for me. And it's awesome and you should go read it: There are things of which they do not speak.


* A random thought: I saw Sweeney Todd again and am I the only one who watches that movie and think: "Anthony and Johanna will never last!"? Because dude! She's a girl who just wanted to get away from her perverted guardian and he fell in love with a girl in a window! There's no fucking way that relationship is going to work!

* I swear a lot. Like... pretty bad actually. I mostly only swear in english, which makes it not so bad to the people around me... but lately I'm actually saying: Motherfuckingcocksuckingpieceofshit out loud. I used to only say it loudly in my head, but now I actually say it out loud and I've realised that that is not actually a good thing... Yeah, I am so messed up and I can't seem to be able to do anything about it! GAAAHHH!

* Also: I think I am going to join the military when I'm done with school. I think it would be good for me. Get some discipline, follow orders, get in shape, get to know new people from around the country... Yeah, I think I'd like that.

Sometimes I just get in a funk. I wouldn't call it depression, (it probably is) but I just get this 'meh' feeling about everything. I don't feel like reading and I don't have the patience to watch an entire movie (I stop it half way because I keep yawning all the time.) The internet is still fun though. Thank God for that!

I have no interest in school though.

I've talked with my psychologist and she says that I have anxieties, which is very correct. I subconsciously invent sickness (headaches, stomach aches.) ,this month it was trouble eating, so I can avoid going to school.

So now we have decided to call a spade a spade. I've promised to say when I don't want to do something, instead of getting sick. And mum and dad has promised to listen and help me as much as they can.

I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of going to school. I'm afraid of not making friends (I don't have many and I really have trouble making new ones.) I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid of not succeeding. I'm afraid of everything! I'm afraid of growing up (responsibility scares me.) And most of all, (and this is really stupid one too!) I afraid of talking on the phone. This is a new discovery, but I've probably had it all my life. I just don't like talking on the phone, and I hate hate hate calling people, especially people I don't know. That's why I love emails so much. 

And I just don't fit in. I don't fit into this lifestyle all teenagers are living now. I have no problem with leaving my phone at home. (This easter we went skiing and I left my cell at home and when my brother found out he just looked at me and said:  "You FAIL at being a teenager." And I do!) I have no need for people to always be able to reach me.

It's funny really. When people ask you what your phobia is (and everyone has them) I always used to say that my biggest fear was snakes. (And I do hate snakes with a passion. I can't even watch them on tv. The ending of CoS still freak me out!) But it's not. Because compare how often I talk on the phone and is forced to call people and how often I a meet a snake... It's really a problem. Because in this day and age when the only way to be able to talk to anyone is by phone, well, not really a mystery on why I'm such a lonely person, now is there?